I just don't understand things anymore. I try to live my life without any drama and ESPECIALLY without other people's drama. I don't go inviting it in and for the life of me I don't understand why anyone else would invite drama into their life. I never claim to be perfect...I am far from perfect. I have made mistakes and I have learned from them and I know where I want to be in life and I know who and what makes me happy. I am not egotistical,conceited or stuck up. I have issues like any other woman. I have self esteem issues I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see (body type wise). Do I think I am pretty...sure I think I'm pretty...I know I'm not totally hideous. Do I think I am drop dead gorgeous or "hot"...NO!!! So for the life me I don't understand what other men see and why they stop to talk to me, I don't know what they are thinking when they ask if I'm single.I swear they are nuts and or blind. When a female compliments me and says they wish they could have my figure I beg them to take it. So over the years my boyfriend has gotten accustomed to men staring while he is with me in public, he is used to people asking me if I'm available and he's used to the cat calls. Only now after 4 years I think he's tired of it I think he hates it and is frustrated. I used to tell him if someone hit on me directly by actually speaking to me. I ignored the cat calls and the stares cause they are nothing and didn't matter to me. After a while, in a heated argument he informed me of exactly how fed up he was of knowing I was getting hit on...so I stopped telling him and I hoped he knew where my heart was and where I wanted to be. Somehow he opened the door a little and let drama into our happy little life. See today while out on my travels WITH MY 2 KIDS IN TOW...a man approached me and looked at my hand and asked if I was single. I politely told him that I was not that I was in a relationship. He asked if it was serious and I replied yes. He said that he could respect that and said I was very beautiful. I thanked him and that was it. I payed it now mind I didn't look back I went on my way and didn't think about it anymore....until he opened that door and someone said to him...I saw your girlfriend talking to a man in town in front of the pharmacy, she put something in her bag. So then it began...the drama,the questions. So I happily responded and said what had transpired and I said you asked me not to tell you anymore when someone hits on me you said you were tired of hearing about it as for the "BAG" you mean the plastic bag that had MY SONS MEDICINE!! Its on the bed at home I haven't touched it since I threw it there when I got home feel free to look in it!! I don't understand what people think they are trying to do by calling someone up and say "hey she was talking to a guy"guess what dip-shits I'm allowed to. I try to live my life as a "do unto others as you would have done to you" motto so if I saw someone I knew who seemed happy in a relationship talking to someone I wouldn't call their significant other and say "hey guess what" now if I saw them kissing passionately then that is different and would require some thought into  it like "what would Jesus do"  type of thing. Now although my boyfriend has handled it publicly and privately but that was after our confrontation together and to be quite honest that "drama" crept in through the door he opened and has rippled into a lot of mixed emotions. I don't know if the same emotions are there, I wonder if I still feel the way I used to when we first met...and then he holds me...and I can feel them but it hurts. It's like remembering a painful memory and I don't know what that means.

Trying to remember to "never give up"

So I came here to remind myself to "never give up" but sometimes its hard. You lose sight of what you know you should feel...I just know that I dont quite feel happy. I don't feel connected,I don't feel special or attractive. I feel like I need to ASK for intimacy and even then it gets denied 9 times out of 10 but lets "tie one on" and guess who gets taken a quickie and who gets no gratification!! Communicating seems difficult and pointless at times I almost want to avoid it and I feel like we are already avoiding talking as it is. I even start to dread events that I should be excited for. I start to worry about will Steven be ok sitting there while I'm not there and I even wonder will he even be "there" or will he be engrossed on his phone playing video games. I wonder if I don't tell him to take picture will he do so on his own...I hate to say it but I don't have much hope or faith. I think he will see my friend taking pictures and he may do so to "put on a show". He has apple pay and I've told him Walgreens sells flowers and cards but his lame excuse is he doesn't want to use it cause he never has done it before or then his other favorite lame one is that I would see it on our account (like I have the time to do that or it would tell me what he got exactly). If he had $20 a week prior do you think he would say "hey her graduation is next week let me get her a little card and surprise her at the ceremony" no I tomorrow I don't expect it and it breaks my heart. He doesn't think "outside the box" when it comes to me he doesn't remember the things I say and I don't feel like they matter anyways. So this is where I am at this insane crossroads.

Hold on...just let me...

So its 2016 and already the month is halfway over. Stores are preparing for Valentines day the day after Christmas but what else is new right? I sit here and I look at my news feed and it seems like nothing but death is looming. David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Gilligan( from Gillians Island), and Rene Angelil (Celine Dion's husband). I don't know if its an omen I get death happens everyday, I just don't remember a time when so many celebrities died so close together. If it is an omen then what is it saying, what does it mean for this year? I shudder to think! I think the world has so much going on already it doesn't need anything else added. I think if its gonna be a "hell of a year" then by all means lets have a little fun and not give us signs or omens...surprise us...throw us off guard. Maybe thats what the world needs. I don't know,I'm no expert. Kinda like having a wet slippery floor with no wet floor sign...let's just see what happens.

 Me personally I'm always up for surprises, good or bad. If they are good then you are happy you are laughing cause you didnt see it coming. If its bad you are stunned,speechless,shocked...you are like "Fuck I didnt see that shit coming"!! It can make life pretty interesting either way. Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our routine or in or day to day tasks we forget to stop and look around, we forget to take a moment. I think a surprise can shake things up maybe even cause you to see things from a different angle or light. Sometimes lives need that, sometimes we all need that so that maybe we can see something that is right in front of our face that we otherwise cannot see.

 I don't know when people started getting so into themselves and everyday rountines that we started taking everyone and everything for granted.  We became a society of "just one more second" and then I'll pay attention. A society of "just let me finish this game" or "just let me finish looking at Facebook". A society of "hold on...just let me". Perhaps if surprises were more in everyones life we would realize what is more important. Like I said surprises can be good,a surprise visit from someone can make us realize how much we missed them. But sometimes...just sometimes....bad ones are the ones that truly make us have epiphanies. Now I'm not saying I want bad things to happen...no thats not it. I'm just saying it is the trying times in life that priorities become in line. When there is a tragic accident it makes us see the importance of people it makes us believe in prayer, it makes us hold our kids a little tighter at night. Facebook,video games, distractions are forgotten and all we focus on is the here and now and what matters most. Too often lately people have forgotten the here and now their loved ones have become "expected". They are expected to always be there,they are expected to be ok. We took things for granted, we took things like a phone call or letter for granted we thought it would always be there, we never expected that technology would come and replace the sound of a long distance loved one with a email or text. But it has. If you knew something tragic was going to happen to your loved one would you say "hold on...just let me..." would you send a text or email or would you drop what your doing and call or visit. Would you tell them what they mean to you and hear their voice saying what you mean to them. Well surprise...made you think....

Silence speaks volumes

Amazing how easy it is to not say things. You refuse to share your thoughts and feelings for fear of the ramifications or the argument to ensue. And so begins the rise of the fall. You hold things back you let them fester, it builds, it tears a hole in your heart. You don't know what to do or where to start you just know that something isn't right. You hold it in like a secret treasure, something meant for only you. You think about it from time to time allowing it to tear a bigger hole in your heart...all the while you say nothing. You figure why it's pointless, it will only fall on deaf ears and a big mouth and either way you will be hurt and the hole in your heart gets bigger. Damned if you do damned if you don't. In your heart you know this can lead to no good...no good comes from hidden emotions and secret silences. If only there was a way to say "I'm tired of being pushed away" or "please don't berate and belittle...it breaks my heart when you do". The words don't seem easy to say they seem like a lighted match to a gas tank. Like I'm wielding a knife. So to avoid the pain and disaster I keep silent as my heart breaks no matter what. I hope one day to fill the hole.....one day!! 

Summer craziness

So WOW!! How about how long it has been!! Crazy right? Well it really has been crazy. Between ball season,summer camp,summer school, work and my son's work!! I felt I was running a taxi scheduling service. I was making insane arrangements trying to get everyone where they needed to be and then back home to me!! I had some help from an amazing friend who would go out of his way to help!! I thought that once summer camp and school would be done things would slow down but did they....NO!! LOL My work decided that summer internships would be great for approximately 38 kids in our program and 11 of them were on my caseload so I would have to check on all of them!! So one day I'm running all over Hurlock to check on them and the next I'm in Federalsburg and then the next day I'm in Preston!!If that wasn't enough on days after checking on them I had to run to the office at Wye Mills before the auditor came!! But that's all said and done and it has been a vacation time for me.



  I have been loving it and enjoying myself. I am now looking forward to a special weekend coming up this weekend! I have some pretty cool things planned and I'm super excited!! LONG OVERDUE!! I feel that this is what summer is all about just enjoying life and living it as best as possible. So many times people get so caught up in drama and bull shit that really isn't their problem to worry about then wonder why they are so stressed out. It's cause you keep looking for bullshit and drama dumbasses!! Focus on things with friends,spend time with family, do FUN things and enjoy life!! Stop worrying about whats going on in someone else's house or what drama is going on. Life would be so much better for everyone in this country if more and more people did that. Maybe if everyone was worried about spending time with friends and family and doing other things than maybe no one would worry about Bruce becoming Caitlyn or Cecil the Lion. Look I'm not saying things don't matter or shouldn't be brought to the public's attention but I don't feel that the public needs to react the way they do causing more problems and more drama. Do you need to make death threats and vandalize people and their property? Does that solve the issue or create more problems? I get so tired of the bullshit and drama that I just stay out of it. I have my opinions but I keep them to myself. If any of my friends or family want to know they are more than welcome to ask me but I will tell you this they won't see it on my Facebook.

  Well that is my summer rant for now I hope everyone is having an amazing summer!! And lets all remember to focus on friends and family and fun times with them instead of the drama and the bullshit. Then we can all have a good summer and make the world a little less crazy! Bye ya'll
 

A birthday dream!!

So people have been asking "what do u want for your birthday?" I tell them nothing. I say there's nothing I need. I say I have all a girl could ask for…… I lie. I lie to keep my denial. I lie to spare their feelings. I lie to not get the "fake gift" that would come with me answering their question. Yet each time I hear the question I answer it in my mind with a tear in my eye and a pain in my heart…I would want a phone call. 

 You might say "no problem I can call you" or "what do you mean a phone call"

Or even "I'm sure you'll get lots of phone calls" and although they maybe true I don't get the phone call I want. See my dad used to call me on the EXACT time of my birth 8:44 am. It wasn't a well known fact it was something between a father and daughter. He wouldn't  tell me a second or minute before or after. 

See he used to say I was special I was born by appointment only. So the doctor asked " when would you like to have your baby" and he responded "between 8:30 and 9 so that I can get breakfast" lol

 Well it was all downhill from there… at 8:44 I was born by c-section. So every year he called until 2002. When he passed away. Then there was no one, there was no phone calls, there was no one to carry on his tradition. I realize more and more there never will be!! In my mind every time someone asks me, every year, "what do you want for your birthday?" I silently and tearfully answer … I want a phone call!!

Phone Face

 

    It never ceases to amaze me, weather I'm in bed or out in public or at a restaurant, how people all have their faces in their phone. Now we are even raising the next generation like that. What's worse is we are all so guilty of it, now are we to blame, sure we all must accept responsibilities for our actions. Yet look how society and media has played their part. For everything "there's an app for that"! Want to save money and get coupons...great!! Do you have to clip them from a newspaper or magazine like in "old times"? Sure sometimes but there are apps for ecoupons too. There isn't a restaurant or store that doesn't have their own app offering "special" discounts or sales. Worried about your kids getting home safe while at work...of course we all do. Do you have to call the house phone and check on them like in "old times"? Sure you could but you have a security system. There's an app for that!! Just click on your system's app and you can see your kids at home and it can tell you the exact time they entered the security code to disable the alarm. It's great, it's fantastic, it's such a secure feeling...it's over kill. It has all made us dependent on our phones sometimes at legitimate acceptable times and for valid reasons yet other times at the most inopportune times and and for silly reasons.

   My significant other who I love dearly and will get me later for this, is quite the phone face and is notorious for doing so. See for although there are acceptable valid reasons for needing your phone glued to your face there are also not so acceptable valid reasons and they are called video games. Now Brad can spend a good 5-6 hours AT LEAST playing Xbox and after I coax him to get off that there is a show that I would like to watch (after all that's what TV's were used for only in the "old times"). He comes into bed plugs his phone to its charger (the battery is low cause while he was playing video games on Xbox he was playing on his phone as well or looking up glitches for the game on YouTube). So he sits there and does he watch TV or read a book...no its back to video games or perhaps Facebook then video games. See photos below. I;m sure you are asking why I would commit suicide and post pics well for 2 reasons. I do so 1) with the hope that my cause will not be in vain, that my message will be heard and 2) should I go missing and you cannot find me and are worried "there's an app for that" it's called Find my iPhone!! So remember I know the world we live in has made it tempting and easy to use our phones 24/7.  I'm guilty of it myself but everything in moderation. By all means play a game or two on your phone,check Facebook once or twice (not every 15 min). Remember to put your phone down don't become a "phone face" and if you must pick up your phone I hope its to use the camera to take a few selfies and capture a memory here and there!!