Trying to remember to "never give up"

So I came here to remind myself to "never give up" but sometimes its hard. You lose sight of what you know you should feel...I just know that I dont quite feel happy. I don't feel connected,I don't feel special or attractive. I feel like I need to ASK for intimacy and even then it gets denied 9 times out of 10 but lets "tie one on" and guess who gets taken a quickie and who gets no gratification!! Communicating seems difficult and pointless at times I almost want to avoid it and I feel like we are already avoiding talking as it is. I even start to dread events that I should be excited for. I start to worry about will Steven be ok sitting there while I'm not there and I even wonder will he even be "there" or will he be engrossed on his phone playing video games. I wonder if I don't tell him to take picture will he do so on his own...I hate to say it but I don't have much hope or faith. I think he will see my friend taking pictures and he may do so to "put on a show". He has apple pay and I've told him Walgreens sells flowers and cards but his lame excuse is he doesn't want to use it cause he never has done it before or then his other favorite lame one is that I would see it on our account (like I have the time to do that or it would tell me what he got exactly). If he had $20 a week prior do you think he would say "hey her graduation is next week let me get her a little card and surprise her at the ceremony" no I tomorrow I don't expect it and it breaks my heart. He doesn't think "outside the box" when it comes to me he doesn't remember the things I say and I don't feel like they matter anyways. So this is where I am at this insane crossroads.