I just don't understand things anymore. I try to live my life without any drama and ESPECIALLY without other people's drama. I don't go inviting it in and for the life of me I don't understand why anyone else would invite drama into their life. I never claim to be perfect...I am far from perfect. I have made mistakes and I have learned from them and I know where I want to be in life and I know who and what makes me happy. I am not egotistical,conceited or stuck up. I have issues like any other woman. I have self esteem issues I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see (body type wise). Do I think I am pretty...sure I think I'm pretty...I know I'm not totally hideous. Do I think I am drop dead gorgeous or "hot"...NO!!! So for the life me I don't understand what other men see and why they stop to talk to me, I don't know what they are thinking when they ask if I'm single.I swear they are nuts and or blind. When a female compliments me and says they wish they could have my figure I beg them to take it. So over the years my boyfriend has gotten accustomed to men staring while he is with me in public, he is used to people asking me if I'm available and he's used to the cat calls. Only now after 4 years I think he's tired of it I think he hates it and is frustrated. I used to tell him if someone hit on me directly by actually speaking to me. I ignored the cat calls and the stares cause they are nothing and didn't matter to me. After a while, in a heated argument he informed me of exactly how fed up he was of knowing I was getting hit on...so I stopped telling him and I hoped he knew where my heart was and where I wanted to be. Somehow he opened the door a little and let drama into our happy little life. See today while out on my travels WITH MY 2 KIDS IN TOW...a man approached me and looked at my hand and asked if I was single. I politely told him that I was not that I was in a relationship. He asked if it was serious and I replied yes. He said that he could respect that and said I was very beautiful. I thanked him and that was it. I payed it now mind I didn't look back I went on my way and didn't think about it anymore....until he opened that door and someone said to him...I saw your girlfriend talking to a man in town in front of the pharmacy, she put something in her bag. So then it began...the drama,the questions. So I happily responded and said what had transpired and I said you asked me not to tell you anymore when someone hits on me you said you were tired of hearing about it as for the "BAG" you mean the plastic bag that had MY SONS MEDICINE!! Its on the bed at home I haven't touched it since I threw it there when I got home feel free to look in it!! I don't understand what people think they are trying to do by calling someone up and say "hey she was talking to a guy"guess what dip-shits I'm allowed to. I try to live my life as a "do unto others as you would have done to you" motto so if I saw someone I knew who seemed happy in a relationship talking to someone I wouldn't call their significant other and say "hey guess what" now if I saw them kissing passionately then that is different and would require some thought into  it like "what would Jesus do"  type of thing. Now although my boyfriend has handled it publicly and privately but that was after our confrontation together and to be quite honest that "drama" crept in through the door he opened and has rippled into a lot of mixed emotions. I don't know if the same emotions are there, I wonder if I still feel the way I used to when we first met...and then he holds me...and I can feel them but it hurts. It's like remembering a painful memory and I don't know what that means.

Trying to remember to "never give up"

So I came here to remind myself to "never give up" but sometimes its hard. You lose sight of what you know you should feel...I just know that I dont quite feel happy. I don't feel connected,I don't feel special or attractive. I feel like I need to ASK for intimacy and even then it gets denied 9 times out of 10 but lets "tie one on" and guess who gets taken a quickie and who gets no gratification!! Communicating seems difficult and pointless at times I almost want to avoid it and I feel like we are already avoiding talking as it is. I even start to dread events that I should be excited for. I start to worry about will Steven be ok sitting there while I'm not there and I even wonder will he even be "there" or will he be engrossed on his phone playing video games. I wonder if I don't tell him to take picture will he do so on his own...I hate to say it but I don't have much hope or faith. I think he will see my friend taking pictures and he may do so to "put on a show". He has apple pay and I've told him Walgreens sells flowers and cards but his lame excuse is he doesn't want to use it cause he never has done it before or then his other favorite lame one is that I would see it on our account (like I have the time to do that or it would tell me what he got exactly). If he had $20 a week prior do you think he would say "hey her graduation is next week let me get her a little card and surprise her at the ceremony" no I tomorrow I don't expect it and it breaks my heart. He doesn't think "outside the box" when it comes to me he doesn't remember the things I say and I don't feel like they matter anyways. So this is where I am at this insane crossroads.

Hold on...just let me...

So its 2016 and already the month is halfway over. Stores are preparing for Valentines day the day after Christmas but what else is new right? I sit here and I look at my news feed and it seems like nothing but death is looming. David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Gilligan( from Gillians Island), and Rene Angelil (Celine Dion's husband). I don't know if its an omen I get death happens everyday, I just don't remember a time when so many celebrities died so close together. If it is an omen then what is it saying, what does it mean for this year? I shudder to think! I think the world has so much going on already it doesn't need anything else added. I think if its gonna be a "hell of a year" then by all means lets have a little fun and not give us signs or omens...surprise us...throw us off guard. Maybe thats what the world needs. I don't know,I'm no expert. Kinda like having a wet slippery floor with no wet floor sign...let's just see what happens.

 Me personally I'm always up for surprises, good or bad. If they are good then you are happy you are laughing cause you didnt see it coming. If its bad you are stunned,speechless,shocked...you are like "Fuck I didnt see that shit coming"!! It can make life pretty interesting either way. Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our routine or in or day to day tasks we forget to stop and look around, we forget to take a moment. I think a surprise can shake things up maybe even cause you to see things from a different angle or light. Sometimes lives need that, sometimes we all need that so that maybe we can see something that is right in front of our face that we otherwise cannot see.

 I don't know when people started getting so into themselves and everyday rountines that we started taking everyone and everything for granted.  We became a society of "just one more second" and then I'll pay attention. A society of "just let me finish this game" or "just let me finish looking at Facebook". A society of "hold on...just let me". Perhaps if surprises were more in everyones life we would realize what is more important. Like I said surprises can be good,a surprise visit from someone can make us realize how much we missed them. But sometimes...just sometimes....bad ones are the ones that truly make us have epiphanies. Now I'm not saying I want bad things to happen...no thats not it. I'm just saying it is the trying times in life that priorities become in line. When there is a tragic accident it makes us see the importance of people it makes us believe in prayer, it makes us hold our kids a little tighter at night. Facebook,video games, distractions are forgotten and all we focus on is the here and now and what matters most. Too often lately people have forgotten the here and now their loved ones have become "expected". They are expected to always be there,they are expected to be ok. We took things for granted, we took things like a phone call or letter for granted we thought it would always be there, we never expected that technology would come and replace the sound of a long distance loved one with a email or text. But it has. If you knew something tragic was going to happen to your loved one would you say "hold on...just let me..." would you send a text or email or would you drop what your doing and call or visit. Would you tell them what they mean to you and hear their voice saying what you mean to them. Well surprise...made you think....