Silence speaks volumes

Amazing how easy it is to not say things. You refuse to share your thoughts and feelings for fear of the ramifications or the argument to ensue. And so begins the rise of the fall. You hold things back you let them fester, it builds, it tears a hole in your heart. You don't know what to do or where to start you just know that something isn't right. You hold it in like a secret treasure, something meant for only you. You think about it from time to time allowing it to tear a bigger hole in your heart...all the while you say nothing. You figure why it's pointless, it will only fall on deaf ears and a big mouth and either way you will be hurt and the hole in your heart gets bigger. Damned if you do damned if you don't. In your heart you know this can lead to no good...no good comes from hidden emotions and secret silences. If only there was a way to say "I'm tired of being pushed away" or "please don't berate and belittle...it breaks my heart when you do". The words don't seem easy to say they seem like a lighted match to a gas tank. Like I'm wielding a knife. So to avoid the pain and disaster I keep silent as my heart breaks no matter what. I hope one day to fill the hole.....one day!! 

Summer craziness

So WOW!! How about how long it has been!! Crazy right? Well it really has been crazy. Between ball season,summer camp,summer school, work and my son's work!! I felt I was running a taxi scheduling service. I was making insane arrangements trying to get everyone where they needed to be and then back home to me!! I had some help from an amazing friend who would go out of his way to help!! I thought that once summer camp and school would be done things would slow down but did they....NO!! LOL My work decided that summer internships would be great for approximately 38 kids in our program and 11 of them were on my caseload so I would have to check on all of them!! So one day I'm running all over Hurlock to check on them and the next I'm in Federalsburg and then the next day I'm in Preston!!If that wasn't enough on days after checking on them I had to run to the office at Wye Mills before the auditor came!! But that's all said and done and it has been a vacation time for me.



  I have been loving it and enjoying myself. I am now looking forward to a special weekend coming up this weekend! I have some pretty cool things planned and I'm super excited!! LONG OVERDUE!! I feel that this is what summer is all about just enjoying life and living it as best as possible. So many times people get so caught up in drama and bull shit that really isn't their problem to worry about then wonder why they are so stressed out. It's cause you keep looking for bullshit and drama dumbasses!! Focus on things with friends,spend time with family, do FUN things and enjoy life!! Stop worrying about whats going on in someone else's house or what drama is going on. Life would be so much better for everyone in this country if more and more people did that. Maybe if everyone was worried about spending time with friends and family and doing other things than maybe no one would worry about Bruce becoming Caitlyn or Cecil the Lion. Look I'm not saying things don't matter or shouldn't be brought to the public's attention but I don't feel that the public needs to react the way they do causing more problems and more drama. Do you need to make death threats and vandalize people and their property? Does that solve the issue or create more problems? I get so tired of the bullshit and drama that I just stay out of it. I have my opinions but I keep them to myself. If any of my friends or family want to know they are more than welcome to ask me but I will tell you this they won't see it on my Facebook.

  Well that is my summer rant for now I hope everyone is having an amazing summer!! And lets all remember to focus on friends and family and fun times with them instead of the drama and the bullshit. Then we can all have a good summer and make the world a little less crazy! Bye ya'll
 

A birthday dream!!

So people have been asking "what do u want for your birthday?" I tell them nothing. I say there's nothing I need. I say I have all a girl could ask for…… I lie. I lie to keep my denial. I lie to spare their feelings. I lie to not get the "fake gift" that would come with me answering their question. Yet each time I hear the question I answer it in my mind with a tear in my eye and a pain in my heart…I would want a phone call. 

 You might say "no problem I can call you" or "what do you mean a phone call"

Or even "I'm sure you'll get lots of phone calls" and although they maybe true I don't get the phone call I want. See my dad used to call me on the EXACT time of my birth 8:44 am. It wasn't a well known fact it was something between a father and daughter. He wouldn't  tell me a second or minute before or after. 

See he used to say I was special I was born by appointment only. So the doctor asked " when would you like to have your baby" and he responded "between 8:30 and 9 so that I can get breakfast" lol

 Well it was all downhill from there… at 8:44 I was born by c-section. So every year he called until 2002. When he passed away. Then there was no one, there was no phone calls, there was no one to carry on his tradition. I realize more and more there never will be!! In my mind every time someone asks me, every year, "what do you want for your birthday?" I silently and tearfully answer … I want a phone call!!

Phone Face

 

    It never ceases to amaze me, weather I'm in bed or out in public or at a restaurant, how people all have their faces in their phone. Now we are even raising the next generation like that. What's worse is we are all so guilty of it, now are we to blame, sure we all must accept responsibilities for our actions. Yet look how society and media has played their part. For everything "there's an app for that"! Want to save money and get coupons...great!! Do you have to clip them from a newspaper or magazine like in "old times"? Sure sometimes but there are apps for ecoupons too. There isn't a restaurant or store that doesn't have their own app offering "special" discounts or sales. Worried about your kids getting home safe while at work...of course we all do. Do you have to call the house phone and check on them like in "old times"? Sure you could but you have a security system. There's an app for that!! Just click on your system's app and you can see your kids at home and it can tell you the exact time they entered the security code to disable the alarm. It's great, it's fantastic, it's such a secure feeling...it's over kill. It has all made us dependent on our phones sometimes at legitimate acceptable times and for valid reasons yet other times at the most inopportune times and and for silly reasons.

   My significant other who I love dearly and will get me later for this, is quite the phone face and is notorious for doing so. See for although there are acceptable valid reasons for needing your phone glued to your face there are also not so acceptable valid reasons and they are called video games. Now Brad can spend a good 5-6 hours AT LEAST playing Xbox and after I coax him to get off that there is a show that I would like to watch (after all that's what TV's were used for only in the "old times"). He comes into bed plugs his phone to its charger (the battery is low cause while he was playing video games on Xbox he was playing on his phone as well or looking up glitches for the game on YouTube). So he sits there and does he watch TV or read a book...no its back to video games or perhaps Facebook then video games. See photos below. I;m sure you are asking why I would commit suicide and post pics well for 2 reasons. I do so 1) with the hope that my cause will not be in vain, that my message will be heard and 2) should I go missing and you cannot find me and are worried "there's an app for that" it's called Find my iPhone!! So remember I know the world we live in has made it tempting and easy to use our phones 24/7.  I'm guilty of it myself but everything in moderation. By all means play a game or two on your phone,check Facebook once or twice (not every 15 min). Remember to put your phone down don't become a "phone face" and if you must pick up your phone I hope its to use the camera to take a few selfies and capture a memory here and there!!

Midnight tales

    Insomniac: Humor

  I walk a lonely road at night. I sleep (perchance to dream) but only for a little while. I spend the rest of the hours with my racing thoughts, my wandering mind and my worries and my fears.  They keep me company in my hours of solitude and sleeplessness. Sometimes I pace the floor watching out the windows of my home like a caged bird. I stare at the outside world I envision all the people in their homes,in their beds off in dreamland. I watch a car or two pass by and wonder where they go at such a lonesome hour. I return to my bed to read or play a game with hopes that that can stop my mind and worries so that sleep can visit me again. My how the hours go by so fast. I wake at 3 and then I look again and it is 5...soon the kids will wake at 6.

  I got the brilliant idea to start and type my random thoughts and “wanderings” (don’t ask me why) like I am some great author that people would rush to read this. The ramblings of an insomniac cannot be that fascinating. I sit in my bed and I stare at my significant other and wonder what can I do to him tonight. Will it be a fabulous makeover to enhance his facial features or perhaps it will be a message that I write on his face in ink to share with my Facebook friends and family? There really is too many hours in the middle of the night and one does get bored with pacing the floor and staring out windows. Perhaps tonight will be the night to paint his toenails again. He is a Ravens fan I think he would enjoy the color purple with matching eye shadow. I truly have an interesting sense of humor and too much time on my hands at this hour. YouTube and Facebook provide me with numerous and interesting ideas for pranks.

   Sometimes these “activities” do bring the comfort and peace of making me forget my worries and tune out my racing thoughts. Although they do not bring me the comfort of sleep. There are some nights that my darling sleeping prince will be so kind as to provide some entertainment of his own for me. He will ever so lovingly (while in the middle of his visit to dreamland) blurt out and share his dream with me in conversation. I cannot be rude so I engage him and go along with his slumber ramblings and our midnight conversations go something like this. BRAD: “ They were coming for you”!  ME: “Who’s coming for me?” BRAD: “The knights and I can’t get to you.” ME “Keep trying you can do it. BRAD: “ No the dragon is there.”  I try to see how long I can do this before he wakes up and realize I’ve been messing with him while he dreams. Have I mentioned that I have too much time on my hands? I have...good so that disclaimer is covered.

  I also have share that I do not exclude or limit my jollies to just to my significant other. I am an equal opportunity kinda gal and will gladly extend such “activities” to any guest in my home. I have had a night that after putting baby powder on Brad’s face and it worked out so well, I did the same to his brother who was staying the night. Maybe this is why my brother won’t visit and has said that if he does he will be bringing NyQuil for me. Some would ask well what about the children surely they are subjected to these shenanigans? The answer is no. For although I am an equal opportunist there is an age requirement and that is at least 18 or older. That is merely as a precaution and a security measure for me so that should someone decide to kill me or retaliate they can be charged as an adult.  You have to think about these things and I have plenty of time to do so being awake all night.

  Now if after all this (wandering the house, pacing the floors, racing thoughts and drawing on people’s faces) IF sleep does decide to finally pay me a visit, it does so at the most inopportune time. Here I thought I had a unique sense of humor...well it seems Mr.Sandman has one too. For just as it is approaching that magical hour of 6 am when my loving children will be waking up (and so must I to prepare them for school). That is when my eyes begin to feel drowsy and I can feel sleep entering my mind. This usually takes place at 5:30 or 5:15 just enough time that if I do sleep it will feel like a minute has passed and it will be 6 am.  Somewhere I envision Mr.Sandman laughing gleefully at me in some remote corner. Now try as I might to be irritated with this little joke I must admit that I can relate for it is the same joy and laughter I feel when I am up to my own follies.  

  I am sure people are wondering “Liz why don’t you just read or watch TV?” You know like a normal person who doesn’t stare out windows at people’s dark houses or write on their loved ones faces. And to that I respond 1) “normal” is overrated and mundane and 2) I have read numerous books (like ALL 3 of the Fifty Shades of Gray, Shit my Dad Says and I Suck at Girls) in a matter of a night or two per book. So I do enjoy reading however it does not lull me to sleep like some would believe. Now as for TV...have you guys ever seen the crap that is on TV at 3 am!! Infomercials aside, there is only so much Top Gear,Golden Girls and Full House one can watch before you have seen every episode. So I end up flipping channels and watching numerous shows or movies that I have likely already seen for the 20th time. Now in a twist of irony and perhaps slight dementia brought on by my insomnia, I worry about the TV perhaps waking my dear loved one next to me. I know,I know...is this the same person who writes on their dear loved one and put things like baby powder on him? Yes...yes it is..ironic isn’t it. I didn’t say it was logic I clearly said,” in a twist of irony”. Yes by all means go back in the text and check I know you did.